I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize