So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
