You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
