For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
