we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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