Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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