It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
