Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
