I just cut my nipple shaving
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
