Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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