Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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