spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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