We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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