im six kinds of drunk right now
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
