that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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