right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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