I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
