I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
