i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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