It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
