i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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