"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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