When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
