You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
