i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
