Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
