You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
