cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
