and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize