so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
