The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
