Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Randomize
