Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
