There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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