i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
