you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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