Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I am one with the molecules
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
