That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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