I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
