dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
