We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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