I murdered the dance floor call the cops
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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