he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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