do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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