in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
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Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?