We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
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all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
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I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?