Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
