So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
