Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
