He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
