I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
