Who wears a wallet chain?!
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
ugly people sure do ruin things
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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