As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
