Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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