Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
