Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
