He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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