she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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