Where is the hickey?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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